You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
