I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The air taste purple.
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