One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How does it feel to date your dad?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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