I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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