You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The beer is more important than you right now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
