I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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