I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
