I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
