If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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