I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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