How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
