Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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