I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
