for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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