I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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