Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
