Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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