dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
