im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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