when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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