i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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