yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
