but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
