Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
