my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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