dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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