she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
