I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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