Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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