I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
