chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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