look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
