he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
