whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
