She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
