Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Damn victory sex feels great
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
