I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
