Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
