I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
