I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Randomize
