My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
