he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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