Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
