The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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