Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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