You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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