Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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