mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
