apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
