dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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